cardiganharle

The semester has started up again. Time for me to hit the grindstone on work, but the problem I am facing now is the lack of a job. No big deal right? I'd be able to focus on my school work for the semester. But the problem with that is now I have no money to pay for rent. This semester is two 4oo level courses. Let me tell you, I've already had one today... and it's no walk in the park. You'd think with the name of the course being "Voice and Speech for the Stage", it would be somewhat of a breeze. Oh goddess was I wrong!

I knew I was going to have to work some, but I didn't think about how much work it is to work on your voice for theater. First off, I have to find a poem, memorize it. Then I have 3 monologues to work on. One from Medea, one from The Importance of Being Earnest, one from a Shakespeare work, and one from a Moliere work. On top of that, I have to memorize Facede ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cWcbX8J0m-Y ). Which is a series of words in a rhyme but the words are articulated. THEN I have to work on two scenes, one from Medea, and one from The Importance of Being Earnest. On top of all of that, I have to keep a daily journal (yes, and she will grade it) about the observations of myself.

Did I mention that this is just ONE class?

I still have yet to have my second class of the day. That one should be a bit easier, but it is the second level of Play Production, so it won't be nearly as easy. I just ordered the script of the play I am interested in. Hopefully I receive by the end of the week. I did put a rush order on it. I'm worried about finding a job. I am looking on campus, but there is nothing here that works with my schedule I have for classes so far. And of course there is nothing around Bangor, so I am having issues. Part of me wants to talk to R.Jay and ask him how he feels about me focusing on the semester, but there is one semester that I am going to HAVE to take off from a job because it requires me to be in a classroom for the whole semester. Hoorah capstone. Who knows what this semester holds. All I know is that it's going to be a lot of work.

Still on the hunt for a job. Which really bothers me because there is very little here in Bangor. I am looking daily on jobsinme.com but of course there really is nothing that is updating. I considered going back to Microdyne but I know if I do that I will end up in the Mental Hospital for either A.) Murder in the workplace, B.) Attempted Suicide in the Workplace, or C.) All around mental break down with no chance to return to my normal state.

It's bad enough that place is what developed my anxiety. Don't get me wrong, taking Zoloft has been one of the better things in my life because it's straightened things out in my brain.

I never liked job hunting. I don't think anyone does really, but I mean... I do it so often you think that it would be easy for me by now. I'm just glad that my refund check of about $16oo from the University came through. Hooray for overpayment on my bill! Thank you Stafford! I paid off my medical bills, paid rent for January, and I have about $9oo left.

Well, besides the job hunt, nothing new has happened as of late. New Years was a lot of fun! rockleetist  held an awesome party at her place. A lot of people showed up, there was food, games and overall a great time to be had by all. I've never been particularly fond of parties with a lot of people. I was never invited to parties growing up so I get nervous going to big parties. But this was fun! All of us were geeks, so we all geeked out and had a great time! Thanks Rachel for the invite!

Well, need to head out and get my oil changed in my car and run and do some errands as well as job search (which shall turn up little to no results).

'Till Next Time Kiddies!
<--- Win.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas. I know I did. It was a relaxing Christmas with R.Jay's Mom. Got some nifty PJs and some Socks and a lot of other things. It was just all around nice.

It was weird though. A blast from my past hit me today. I mean... oh my. I never really thought much on it because it wasn't something too big in my life... now it's just... weird. Knowing what I know now compared to almost 8 years ago makes me question my sanity sometimes.

I kid really.

At one point in my life, I had a boyfriend (Yes... I did. :P), Jeff. He was sweet and very nice. Course at the time I had a huge crush on him. He was one of the only friends I had from middle school really because we were both geeks in our own right. He was a computer geek, and I'm a gaming geek. We just fit in the same category. During high school we started 'going out' (I honestly hate that term for some reason, it's so childish to me, but that's what it was at that time. There's no such thing as 'dating' in high school). I got to a point where I didn't want to be in the relationship anymore and moved on to another person I liked. When I moved on, Jeff had said some pretty nasty things about me to other people I knew. I really don't know for certain if they were true or not, because as I think on it now, he wasn't really the person to do that, who knows, I could be wrong (usually am).

I'm browsing through Facebook for my nightly activities, and come across the wonder "Friend Request"! I was kinda excited because I thought it might have been someone I worked with at Toys R Us. And I see the picture... don't recognize him. Look at the name... still doesn't ring a bell. Go to his page (course everything is just about blocked so you need to become friends with them to even know anything at all) and look around. One mutual friend... our bus driver from high school. It dawned on me at that point who it was. I haven't seen or spoken with him in nearly 8 years. It's just... strange. Course now he's married with a kid due on Monday apparently.

I thought some more on it too, realizing that I'm not the girl I was in high school. I hated high school. I hated my life, and there were days that I wanted to die. Yes... there were days I wanted to commit suicide, but couldn't because I loved my family and friends. I don't think about it now, high school was a stupid point in my life that to me... just doesn't exist anymore. And who really cares about who you were back then anyway.

I am who I am now. And nothing can change that. But anyhow, here I am, rambling off topic yet again. It was just a bit of a realization of my past that I had completely forgotten about. It was a nice time in my life, but I got to move on. I have. Thank crap.

Blah! No more trips down memory lane! I've done that too much today! Hah!

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas. I really had a good one! So glad too. It was nice.

Merry Christmas!

I love this time of the year. Granted a lot of the people I know hate it, and a part of me does as well, but I think that has something to do with retail. Ugh. It sucks in retail during Christmas, trust me... I work in a Toy Store... If that tells you anything.

This year wasn't so bad though. I can't really complain too much. As I get older I am finding that the Holiday season is a little different each time. I couldn't tell you how different, but it certainly is. I do miss having a Christmas Tree to decorate. R.Jay doesn't want one because he hates this holiday so much, and we live on the 3rd floor of an apartment complex. Makes it hard trying to get a tree up 3 flights of stairs, and personally, I don't want a fake one. I can deal without the tree, it's fine. I was saddened by my father telling me that I couldn't come home to decorate the tree with him there. Monday and Tuesday I got to spend with my Dad (I was so happy to see him!) and he was telling me about getting the tree set up. He said I couldn't come home to help. :( Kinda sucked. But it's ok. Dad gave me $16o for Christmas, so I got a new PSP Go. It's neat! I like it! And it's 'shmexy' too.

My brother is now smoking... This doesn't bother me... much. It's just weird that he's been smoking for a year and a half and I never knew. We're pretty close for the most part. ... And he's only 17. I think the only thing that bothers me so much is that he's stealing the cigarettes from my Dad and Step-Mom. That bothers me. That and he's chewing tobacco. That to me is disgusting. I can deal with smoking... but not dip. *Shudder* I guess at this point there is nothing I can do. Just wish he didn't do it because when my Dad finds out, the first person he's going to ask is me... and yes... I knew.

Oh well. It looks like it's time for me to get to work. Yeah... I got to work on Christmas Eve. I was rather pissed when I found out because I had plans to go to CT for the holidays, but I got to work until 9pm tonight. Grr. Oh well.

Have a Merry Christmas everyone! Hope Santa brings you all something good!

Has it really been 8 years? Yeah... I guess it has.

8 Years ago to this day, my Mother passed away from "complications due to cancer". I can openly tell you that it was one of the hardest things I ever had to face in my entire life. Especially when you were only 14. She was diagnosed with Breast Cancer when I was 12. I remember the day like it was yesterday. I don't exaggerate it. It was the scariest moment of my life. To a 12-year-old... the word 'cancer' means 'death sentence'. You can try and convince them otherwise... but it will never happen.

My Mother was a strong woman. She would be sick from the chemo, and still try to tell me that everything was fine. I thought it was denial... but now I understand what she was trying to do. She had to put on the brave face for us. Heh... when she began to lose all her hair, she decided to shave it all off. I was spending the night at a friends house down the road from where we lived and decided to run home to grab something I had forgot. When I walked in, my Mom was strutting down the hallway and looks and me and asks if I liked her new hair style. She wasn't afraid. Or at least I never saw her that way. After all the chemo and surgery and radiation (we had moved to Maine at this point)she was cancer free. Mom had done the impossible. She kicked cancer in the face.

I wish that has lasted a little longer.

She had a relapse only a few months later. I was 13 and I cried and cried because it was back. That meant more chemo... more sick. I wanted my Mother back. I hated seeing her sleep on the couch because it was the only place comfortable for her to rest. She still kept her brave face on. I remember asking her about it in the car one day when we were on the way to my Grandmother's to go swimming in the lake. It was just her and I. I asked where the cancer was. She told me it was in her lungs. I asked why they couldn't do another surgery. She told me that the cancer was little polyps... And it was all over both of her lungs. She started to cry. She started to cry because she was afraid. I couldn't cry then... because at that moment... I was the strong one... for her.

So may hospital visits. So many people pushing me aside to be there for my mother. I was the one who offered to get her food... to help her. While everyone else would hug and kiss her and visit with her. I look back now... I look back at the fact that I was a servant or so it feels now. But people told me that it was the best thing for her. That she needed me to be like that. When I started High School, she was so sick. She couldn't go up and down stairs anymore. She was having a hard time moving. She needed help to get to the bathroom because she couldn't stand. It was November when I tried out for the swim team at John Bapst. She was so proud of me for getting on the team. My first swim meet was on a Saturday. December 8, 2001. I asked her to be there. She told me she would do what she could. No one showed up that day. No one in my family did. After the swim meet... my Uncle was the one who picked me up... told me that Mom had gone to the ER that morning because her stomach hurt. She was in ICU at that point. When I saw her... she was hooked up to everything... She was so weak... I told her about the swim meet and how I had done so well... She smiled and nodded to everything I said. When my Dad told me it was time to go home, all I said was "I'll see you later."

I didn't get a chance to say anything else to her. My family didn't want me to go in to see her... neither did my Mom. She died on December 9, 2001. I was 14... and lost my mother. The world came crashing into me as I tried to figure out 'why me?' 'Why did it happen to me?!' You ask that... because you see it happen to everyone else. And you thank everything because it's not you. But when it happens to you... It's one of the hardest things to overcome. I try not to dwell on this much... in fact I haven't cried yet today. Granted I'm sure that will change at some point in the day. I miss my Mother, and I will not lie, I am envious of those who have a Mother. When they get sick and need someone at their side to help them. I was the one helping my Mother. I don't know what it feels like to have her take care of me. No, I'm not bitter. I'm just saddened because it's beyond my control. No... I'm not angry. In fact, I'm happy to know that I helped someone in my life... who was a large part of me and who I am now.

I miss her every day. I do wonder what it's like if she were still around. I don't dwell on it too much because things won't change. I just keep moving on. It's what I need to do.

Mom, I miss you so much... I miss your voice and your hugs. I miss you more and more, but I know that things will never change. I hope that you are alright wherever you are. And I hope you can see who I am now, because you made me into the strong woman I am today. I love you so much.

My loving mother... Carol Lynn Clark - December 9, 2001.

Black Friday - Every retailer's Dream/Nightmare. Most should know what this day entails. It varies from place to place. I work at Toys R Us...

... It was a nightmare.

This year Toys R Us opened at Midnight. This is the first year they have done this, just to see how sales would go. I wasn't the Midnight opener (Thank God), but I heard some wild stories about what happened. In fact, we're front page on the Bangor Daily News today about all that happened. We had the Cops called... twice... The only reason I know was one time a man decided to shove a pregnant lady because he wanted to be first in line. The other time, I have no idea what ensued.

It brings me to wonder about people sometimes. Is it really that important to be first in line for something that cost maybe $2.oo to make? I guess I never really understood why people put up such a fuss about a toy. It's a toy... Nothing more. It's not the cure for cancer. It's not going to kill you if you don't get it.

But people fuss over little things all the time. I understand that. But why is it my fault that we don't have a robotic hamster? I know anyone who works in retail in anyway gets that blame ALL THE TIME. It seems as though I am considered the Anti-Christ. Good God. No pun intended by the way. Whatever happened to Christmas Spirit? You know... the time for giving and family. It seems like an all out brawl to me half the time. I'm seriously waiting for the day some guy decides to come across the counter and deck me in the jaw because I don't have a "My Little Pony" doll somewhere... even though I work in electronics. Oh yes. My fault for not having a pretty pink pony with a star on it's ass.

I know... I seem to complain about this, but it kinda makes me giggle a little bit on the inside at the situation. People are strange. I know this. But here's the thing that really, I mean really makes me laugh. People complain about how busy... and how slow the lines are... ON BLACK FRIDAY. Jesus, everyone is shopping on that day. Helloooooo, what crossed you mind and made you think that you were the only person to go shopping on this day... the day of sales. Let me enlighten you to why this day is called "Black Friday". It is the day after Thanksgiving, and as we all know, Thanksgiving ALWAYS occurs on a Thursday. The term 'Black' comes from the end of the day when the numbers are added together for the sales. This is always done in Black ink. The books would be so filled with numbers and sales, that the term "Black Friday" was born.

Full of useless knowledge, I know.

Again, it makes me laugh at some of the things that happen. I understand that your child wanted this particular item... and I'm really sorry that we didn't have it, or someone snagged it before you could get there. I've had it happen to myself, so I know the frustration that comes from wanting to get something for someone else. I study people. I watch what they do... how they think. You can learn a lot about people from what they do while they are thinking.

Good Sales on Black Friday though. So I know why people go out. I just love how some people are.

11:3o a.m. - Got a call from Papa Gambinos. I got 'let go'. Yep. Done. Over. Good-bye.

I actually have to admit... I'm pretty relieved. Over the past few months, I had been having a rough time with the people I work with. To be honest, I don't even think anyone there actually liked me. So I held my tongue and did as I was asked. Toys R Us hired me back for the season last week. I was so thrilled. So I spoke to Andy and let him know and he asked me to give him a set schedule and he would work with me. Great. I hate to come down to this... but...

Gambinos - $5.25 an hour.

Toys R Us - $7.5o (I think.) an hour.

I am not going to lie... I make more money at Toys R Us then I do at Gambinos. Do I really have to ask? Where do you think my priorities are going to be?

Either way, I am no longer working for Gambinos. Andy didn't want me around anyway... and I know he didn't. But I am not going to complain, and I feel much better now that I am not in a workplace in which I fear. Literally. Everyone was so intimidating to me... and I didn't feel comfortable in that work environment.

Besides that, everything is pretty normal. Nothing new really. I don't have too much more to say at this point. Then again... it is 12 a.m. I am wicked tired.

Mmmm. Sleep.

The above picture has basically given you a clue as to what is happening to my brain...

Sunday morning while I was working at Papa Gambino's, I was lifting a stack of unfolded boxes to fold, and apparently I lifted incorrectly because as soon as I did, I had a sharp intense pain shoot up through my spine and work it's way into my muscles. This was about 1o:3o am when this happened. I felt as though I couldn't breath, it was so intense. They let me go home where I was on my back for the entire day.

Go ahead and insert sexual joke here...

I was told that Worker's Comp would cover my hospital visit, but I really dislike going to see the doctors because I hate people assuming I am coping out or something. Anywho, I waited until today to go see them because I thought if the pain went away by today, I was all set. Oh no... no no no. I woke up in the worst pain ever. So I went to the Walk-In care to get it checked out. Looks like I actually did something. I guess when I lifted the boxes I pulled something just right and stretched it so I cramped it, and now my back muscles keep spazing on me. Quite lovely I think. Doctor said to walk it off, (Quite literally actually. Walking helps a lot by the way) and not to do any heavy lifting for a week. She gave me some meds and sent me on my way.

These pills make me feel funky... let me tell you.

One: I am taking Cyclobenzaprine (aka Flexiril) for muscle relaxers. Two: I am taking Naproxen (aka Alieve) for the pain. Three: I am taking Hydrocodone/Acetaminophen (axa Vicodin) for pain and sleep. I am a walking Pharmacy currently. They make me very happy for a while, which is nice, and I can move around a bit more. 'Tis nice to have, that much I can tell you.

But no lifting for a week and then I need to start doing stretches. Looks as though it's time to bring out that Wii Fit that's been sitting in the closet for a year... maybe two.

Final Fantasy XI had a version update recently. Just so you folks know, FFXI doesn't update weekly like WoW does, so when we update, it usually is a large one. There are some ups and downs to this.

Ups:

> Don't have to worry about maintenance each week during an allotted time.
> Glitches or bugs don't happen nearly as often.

Downs:

> When there is a maintenance, you won't be playing for at least 2 days.
> When there is a maintenance, something always fucks up.

Well, with all that being said... I broke PlayOnline. PlayOnline is the server service that runs Final Fantasy XI. I ended up glitching in between a zone and got stuck there for about 3 hours while I waited for a GM to come save me. The GM couldn't save me... and so I stayed stuck. It was sad. They told me I would be fixed the following day so I could play, I log back on today... still stuck... in the same spot. Argh! So I tried something new, logged onto my Laptop and... Wait... FIXED!? REALLY!? Oh, so excited, it was fantastic! Logged out and switched to my laptop where I was still safe. Ah, finally get to go and finish leveling my Warrior to 37. Hey Moogle chang--What the hell just happened? My whole PlayOnline shut down as soon as I went to talk to my Moogle. How weird... Log back in, "Hey Moogle ch--Oh COME ON!" I was starting to worry. Tried it a third time... still the same crash. I came to the realization that there was a corrupted file within my .dat folder. So... it's been about 6 hours now since I started the re-installation of this game. But that should be fixed.

~

My life has always been interesting in many different ways. Today is one of those days in which I consider the things that have happened to me, and the people I know and have come to trust. It started in my Acting class. If you ever want to really think about yourself and your life, have a class with Sandra Hardy at the University of Maine, you'll see yourself in a whole new way with her.

Over the past few years, I have gained a considerable amount of weight. When I started college 5 years ago, I weighed 180 Lbs. I now weigh 225 Lbs. A few years ago I learned I have something called Hyperlipidemia. Most of you know what Lipids are, they are the fats that your body normally produces. I produce more then I should on a regular basis. I have tried hard to bring my weight down, change my eating habits, exercise more often, but I never lost anything, I just continued to gain more weight. This always bothered me, I was always concerned about my looks, my weight, and I was always self-conscious about myself. Over the last few months, this has changed. I don't care about it anymore. I came to this realization today, and it was so nice to finally look at myself and see that... it's ok to be who I am, and fuck what anyone else would say. It's my body, my life, I do what I want.

And then I started thinking about my friends. Oh what wonderful friends I have. So many to name: Jess, Cat, Rachel, Kelly, R.Jay, Sashy... I mean... I really have some damn good friends. Thought I would give you all a shout out, cause I love you guys so much. You don't ever have to ask me... I would take a bullet for anyone of my friends in a heart-beat. I love you guys, and I want you all to know that. And I know this might sound sappy-ish, but you truly have made such a wonderful impact on my life. Thanks.

With all that aside, I have also considered something I want to do with my life. I am an elementary education major, and have been for... well... 5 years. I am an Elementary Education Major with a concentration in Performing Arts and a Minor in Theater. For about 2 years now, I have been taking some serious acting and theater courses. It dawned on me today... and I am seriously considering this... but I believe I might Double Major in Education and Theater. This makes me excited, because I have such a passion for the two, and it was a hard decision to make, to make theater my minor. I am going to look more into this on Thursday when I go to see Sandra about some other things. Maybe she could help me to take the right step in the right direction. Either way, it's something I am deeply considering, and I hope I get all of you to back me up. Because I know you would.

Well, a few more hours to go on my Final Fantasy update. Sadly, the pillow has called my name, and it's getting it's twin pillow and buddy blanket to help.

I have such an amazing life. I don't think I would ever give it up. Plus... I like to see what's around that corner sometimes. Who knows... life surprises us in many ways.

My life has come to an interesting fork in the road. A lot of my life has been rather chaotic lately, which has brought me down to a level of depression I am not sure how to bring myself out of.

Of course most of you know how enraged I have been since Maine has officially banned Gay Marriage. I will not dwell on this any further, but most of you know how angry I have been.

Also, most of you know (and if you don't, you will now) how much I dislike my job. This is where I have run into the fork. Toys R Us has officially hired me back. I am so excited to go back to work there, I really loved my job. Gambinos... has been like hell lately. I dislike the people I work with, I don't make any money, and there's just a bunch of little things here and there that are bothering me. I have been working to get out of there and finally got my ticket out. But the problem I am faced with is that Toys R Us is a seasonal job. There is no promise of me staying after the season ends. But I can't stand Gambino's anymore. But I don't want to look for another job at the end of the season. Most of you who live in Maine, know how hard it is to find a job.

I am so sorry if I have been missing as of late. I have a lot of things to do for school so I have had little time to do much online. This is a short journal, letting you all know what's up with my life... It's been hard, but I will make it through... soon I hope.

Over the past month or so, there has been a lot of campaigning going on about the recent law that was passed in May 2009 allowing for same-sex marriage within the state of Maine. I know there are a lot of people out there who really dislike the GLBT (Gay Lesbian Bisexual Transgendered) community, and with that being said, went out and got enough signatures to bring the law to vote for Mainers. I'm fine with that. I'm fine with the fact that if they feel so strongly against it that they take the matter the correct way and bring it to the public correctly. What I am not fine with... is the slander, the hate, the ignorance, that has come along with this. To be honest, in my opinion, I believe that if people are so self-righteous that they go and want to take away the rights that we, the GLBT community, worked very hard to receive, should have to feel something similar to them get stripped away, or even talked about as though it were a sin. I personally, am so tired of hearing how much or a sin against God I am because I happen to be attracted to both male and female sexes. I am proud to be who I am.

But let me get back to the issue at hand.

On November 3, 2009, the state of Maine is having a vote on many different topics. But I am only going to focus on one for now. Question 1.

Question 1 is worded as follows:
"Do you want to reject the new law that lets same-sex couples marry and allows individuals and religious groups to refuse to perform these marriages?"

A clear question to me.

Personally I am voting No. I want to keep the law that allows for same-sex marriages. Even if someone of a religious group refuses to perform the marriage. I can go and find someone else to perform it for me! Fuck you! Move on with your life! But this goes so much more deeper.

NOW THEY ARE STATING THAT HOMOSEXUAL MARRIAGE WILL BE TAUGHT IN SCHOOLS!? Now... you've crossed the line, and have officially pissed me off.

Most of you know of the First Amendment of the United States Constitution. Am I right? Let me remind you: "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances." Correct. Congress may not step on the fact that these people want to petition, but at the same time, Congress cannot force Religion or revoke Religion if it is brought up in a classroom. A classroom cannot force or revoke a Religion in the same principle. The problem that I am having, is that there is NOTHING in the question that states ANYTHING about same-sex marriage BEING TAUGHT IN A CLASSROOM! This irks me... In so many ways. THERE IS NOTHING THAT STATES THAT!

Here is the following recent ad that's been playing on the radio stations that I hear daily while I am working:



Again, where in the hell did they get anything to do with teaching same-sex marriage in schools. They don't teach marriage in schools AT ALL. So what are they thinking that this is going to happen. Ok... so I hear that they want same-sex friendliness in schools. Whoop-di-fuckin-doo, it's always been there. You want to know why? Little Johnny over there has two Mommies. Little Suzie has two Daddies. Children are curious. And if they want to know something, they ask. I know this as an educator myself. One of the most amazing things about children, is that they don't judge. Want to know how I know this? It's not their judgment, sometimes the parents are the ones to blame. This is all my opinion mind you, but I have been in a classroom, I know how children learn. They learn from asking, they learn from seeing, experiencing. And sometimes the home life is not always a good place. I know that there are many of us who had a wonderful upbringing. I don't judge people, I never have.

I believe for this to be a publicity stunt. And I am sick and fucking tired of listening to people fear that their children will be taught to be gay. Sit with your child in a classroom one day... you will see that there is nothing about marriage in schools. Never will be. But if a child asks why Johnny has two Mommies, then you explain to them what that means. Do not teach a child to be ignorant. That leads to the ignorant people we have now.

I am voting No on Question 1, as my rights as a Bisexual Woman. I am voting to keep the law that allows me a choice. It has nothing to do with the education. Nothing.

Am <3 'Splosion Man.

A brilliant game, with a brilliant ending, and loads of fun for all. I probably could go on for hours about this game, sadly, I would ruin most of it for anyone. If you have XBox live, you should at least try out the trial of 'Splosion Man. I ended up buying it because it was so much fun. It's a platformer puzzle game, and really unique at that. I was quite impressed with the way it played.

Enough of that, how is life?

Life is pretty decent so far. Still in hopes for Toys R Us to call me back. Stacie says she's still waiting on the higher-ups to give her the ok. Which is strange to be waiting this long. Oh well. I'm getting by, I can't complain at all. I think I might be coming down with a cold. Woke up coughing up a kidney, later followed with me sneezing up a lung. Unfortunately, I can't get them back inside me, and I seem to be doing alright without them, anyone need either a kidney or lung? ... No one? ... Sad.

I'm glad to come to the terms with the fact that money is no longer an issue, and those of you who know me should be proud of me at this very moment. I still have my money! I've always been bad in the past about holding onto my money, which is why I think I have run into so many problems in the past. But now, I'm quite proud of myself for the fact that I have been doing good with holding onto what I have.

Not much else to say at the moment. Nothing too new in my life other then finishing 'Splosion Man. Am <3!

Warning: "The Study of People" is a personal observation I am doing for myself purely in the interest of OBSERVATION. This does not mean that this is the end all be all by any means and most of what I say should be taken with a grain of salt. As I said, I am observing people in my daily life, and 1 or maybe 2 people out of the world population of 6.791 BILLION, really doesn't constitute a fact. Most of what I tell is more for humor than anything else, and never shall I mention names. I hope that this helps with an understanding, and if there is any confusion, I am happy to clear things up.

.oo1. - The Drunk

I have dealt with a lot of people being drunk around me in my lifetime, some are funny, some are sad, and some can be downright pitiful. I don't drink, not because I have some mission or anything, it's because personally, I don't care for alcohol nor do I like it really. The occasional drink is fine with me, but not nightly, or weekly. However, in saying that, I want to stress I have no mission to stop the world or even the people I know from drinking, it's your personal choice, go out and have fun! I grew up with my Dad drinking a lot with his buddies on the weekends when there was no work. I'm more or less desensitized to it, it never really bothered me much. However, I do believe that there was a time in my life that I became aware of what happens when one is drunk, most of you should know whom I speak of because this becomes a daily thing for me, but as I stated, there will be no names mentioned here.

Over the past few nights at work, we have had people calling for deliveries... No shit Dick Tracey, we are a Pizza Place after all and that goes without saying that people who've been drinking are going to call us. Fine. But I have found that what REALLY irks me, is that someone is SO wasted, they have no recollection of what they have done in the past 3o seconds. This can be amusing sometimes, as I have seen the jokes that come out of in the end. I watch people who drink... I watch as they slowly fall into insanity, and wonder... 'why would you do that to yourself?'. Some do it for fun, some do it as a social thing. That's cool. Some do it because they have nothing else to do... or they drink away their sorrows.

I guess what I am getting at is how much it bothers me sometimes. Again, I have seen a lot of people this way in my life. I have nothing against any of them. It's just interesting to see why people do what they do and they way they do it.

I love how when I actually get some luck going my way, it hits me in the face with a brick. I'm surprised out how fast the turnaround happened this time. Ah-well, I guess I really can't complain, but then again... Rant.

First I am starting off with the University as it is still fresh in my mind from about 10 minutes prior. Each semester I am a part time student. The reason I am part time is so that I can work and pay my bills, so my tuition isn't nearly as high as say a full time student who lives off campus. Each semester I pay roughly $2ooo (usually less than that) for the semester, give or take. I also get roughly $27oo from my Federal Stafford loan. On top of that (and this took me looking over my records to see this) I got ANOTHER $9oo from Stafford... I don't know where it comes from though. This semester I did not get that extra $9oo... I don't why... I don't know where it comes from... So my over payments of about $17oo that I have been getting each semester for 5 years... has been reduced to $675.75...

Does this make ANY sense to anyone? Because it certainly doesn't make any sense to me.

I called the Bursurs office (They handle the bills for the University) and asked them about this, but I got the answer of "I don't see what the problem is, if you think you should've gotten more, you need to call the Financial Aid office." Oh... thank you. But I don't get a response from them. The line. Is always. BUSY.

Switching topics here:

Work. Oh. My. God. I am not even really sure exactly where I should begin on this subject. The last few days have been rough on me at work. I go in in a good mood, but I don't come out in that same mood. It happens about an hour or so into my shift that my mood turns sour. I am not going to give names by any means. As most of you know, I am a delivery driver for a locally owned pizza place. Good food, I won't deny that. As most of you probably know, I work for $5.25 an hour. The reason for that is because I work for tips. But I think people fail to realize to give tips, so on a normal night, I walk out with about $5 to my name. It's been like this since April... when I started. I haven't been able to pay a month of rent in about 2 months now because I don't make enough money to cover my bills. I also have car insurance to pay for as well. This makes things rather difficult.

But money isn't my only complaint.

The people I work with are terrible. I am made fun of a lot, but I can never be sure if it's in good sport or not. I wouldn't mind the jokes here and there, but it feels as though I have a big red target painted on my face. They also think I'm not very bright. This. Pisses. Me. Off.

I like to think I'm a fairly intelligent person, I mean... 5 years at a University... I like to think I learned something. Last night they tried to get me to grab a hot pan with hot oil, thinking I was dumb enough to burn myself. This pain just came out of the oven, I watched them pull it out. But this isn't the first time this has happened. There are many occasions in which they try to prove I'm an idiot, but all of these fail. Oh yes... I misspell things here and there, we all do from time to time.

With the money and the lack of confidence I have in my peers, I really am miserable when I am working. I just put my application in, to return for the season at Toys R Us. If they call me back, I am done. Right now I also work for the state of Maine (Oh yes... officially now). One of my friends, Thom, has CP (Cerebral Palsy) and live on his own. I work as his PCA (Personal Care Assistant) and I am employed by the state of Maine. Sadly he lives in Brunswick, but that will change soon. And with that I work 40+ hours a week tending to him (And I have no problems doing this) at about $9.5o an hour. So I am lucky in some cases, but with the University... yeah, not too happy with them at the moment.

Anyway, life is alright besides the aforementioned. I can't complain too much, I have a roof over my head, food in my fridge. So things are alright, just some mild irritations. I know... I make them sound as though they may be the end of the world. But they are not.

Alright... time to make this journal look pretty... *Pulls out her HTML book in hopes to figure out something.*

Anyone who has ever played an MMORPG would know what I am talking about, and maybe if you don't, you still know. That awful feeling you get when you unsubscribe from something you spent so much time on... it's sitting here in front of me with it's cheesy ass grin saying 'I told you so, I told you so!' and the whole time I wish I could stick a dynamite in it's mouth and watch the gray-matter go all over the room.

Sadly, I have violent thoughts.

I needed to put my Final Fantasy XI account on suspension today. It's not that I wanted to, more like I needed to. $14.95 a month is reasonable, don't get me wrong, but when you make as little money as I do, it's hard to run two MMO's at one time. I spent almost 4 years playing FFXI, and Star is literally my 'Pride an Joy' at this point. Anyone who has played FFXI knows exactly what I mean when I say that it's not easy to get to where I was in the game. I'll go back. I just need to save my money a little more, and nearly $15 a month is gas money for a week. I haven't played FFXI in 2 month, mainly because I have spent a lot of time in World of Warcraft. I guess getting closer to End Game will do that to a person.

It's hard to hit that "Unsubscribe" button knowing you will return and then being threatened with "If you don't reactivate your account in 90 days you may risk loosing all data permanently." Fuck me. You mean to tell me that almost 4 years of my life, 4 years I worked my ass off to get, out the window? Yep.

Again, I'll go back. Just need some personal time with WoW until I am ready to go to FFXI. But with all the friends I have made in WoW, I don't want to go "Hai gaiz! I'm leaving to go play Final Fantasy XI! Lawl! I'll be back in a few years!" It just doesn't feel right to me. Oh well, I guess when it all sinks in eventually I'll feel a little better. Until then:

Star... Sorry you're sitting in the middle of Aht Urghan waiting to level you Bard some more. I'll be home soon. -Love, Your Player

I never thought I would come down to actually creating a Livejournal. Maybe it was something that Sandra had stated in class. "If you want to be a serious actor, you should consider writing in a journal, that way you can recall events that oculd help you to create a character."  Ok, fine. But it's so strange to find something to talk about on a regular basis.

I can't really consider my life all too interesting. Oh sure, it has it's moments, but I would think my life is just about the same as everyone else.

Either way, I believe that this could be of some use to me anyway. So I should rewind it back to about the begining of my day when I arrive t my Comedy class at 9:oo am. Some backstory: Tom Mikotowicz is the head of the Theater Department, or at least he's on of the big honchos around there, and this semester, for a regular stage show (not a musical mind you) he is doing a rendition of "The Birds". I will not go into detail on this, mainly cause I do not want to think about the fuck-up-ery that is taking place because of this show. To anyone who has ever really worked on a large production of anything, whether it be musical or not, should know that not everyone is going to be there at one time. This is a given. So schedules are set up, right? ... ... ...

There is a guy in my Play Production class, I will call him 'Bob' as to protect him... Why would I want to do such?  Anyhow, Kyl--Bob is obviously a stoner. You can tell within the first 30 seconds of speaking with him. You have to pretend you are speaking to a child for him to understand. Bob was scheduled to work on his scene yesterday for "The Birds". Now this is all 3rd hand mind you, so my facts may be off... but I don't think so. Bob wanders off in the middle of reahersal for 20 minutes and then comes back as though nothing had happened. First of all: Why in the world would you do this if you think you are a serious actor?! WHY!? He apparently returned and asked why everyone was so angry with him. There are many more things that he has done that I will not elaborate on for the time being.

There was a point to this, I swear.

Bob was cast in my 2-3 minute scene for my Play Production class. Play production = learning to be a director. Not easy stuff let me tell you. I spent 2 weeks, 2 weeks, trying to gather together people to put together my scene that I am directing. Also... this is due this coming Thursday. The reason I have been waiting 2 weeks? No one has been able to get together at all. And then Bob here says he was never available from the start. ... ... ... Needless to say, he is no longer in it, as I have now recast it and I am still presenting on Thursday.

Oh yeah, Tom Mikotowicz is my professor for said Play Production class. Bob doesn't know who Tom is...  Oh yeah. Stoned.